Weight Loss Wednesday – Week 12

Hey, look, it’s Wednesday. Go me.

I don’t have a ton of energy tonight, so in brief:

  • Weighed in at 162 lbs tonight, which is a 4 lb loss from last week and represents approximately a 21 lb loss overall.
  • I finally broke down and ordered new pants, partially because Old Navy gave me an additional 30% off coupon on top of of the 10% I already had, and partially because nothing fits. My trainer saw me on Sunday in my skinny jeans and was like, “Those are huge on you.” When other people start to notice, it’s time. Also, when your skinny jeans no longer fit like skinny jeans and look more like bootcut, it’s time.
  • Wedding dress still doesn’t fit. I mean, it fits more than it did when I tried it on before I started the program. It zippers partway. My first fitting at the bridal store is July 30, so I’m trying to take down ten more pounds between now and the end of the month. I don’t know if ten more pounds is going to do it, but it certainly can’t hurt.
  • I don’t know how friggin’ thin I was when I bought that dress a five years ago. I know my weight wasn’t more than ten pounds off what it is now. I also know that now I’m carrying my weight differently and that my waist is more nipped in now that it ever was before at 162 lbs because riding is giving me core muscles. So why doesn’t my damn dress fit?! Argh. Let’s blame it on being 32 instead of 27.
  • Despite that, I’m really happy with how I look in my new clothes that fit properly and with the direction my body is headed.

All of that said, I’ve been fighting with lots of feelings of inadequacy around my personality and who I am professionally (“You’re not smart enough or mature enough to work where you work, grow up”) and personally (“Seriously, those people don’t actually like you; they just chat with you because you work with them/you’re paying them/they just don’t have anybody else so they need you right now”). I’m not sure if this is just an downturn in my mental health from stress, or if it’s just that I’m transferring my anxiety around my appearance to something else now that my appearance is changing.

And on top of it, I was told by my doctor tonight that I’m teetering on the edge of a sinus infection, so I’m sure that’s not helping.

I swear I’m trying to write about other things. Riding has been going so well that I don’t really want to write posts dissecting it – my canter has really taken a turn for the better and I feel like I’m finally remember how to really ride again – and most of my knitting is straightforward, and that gets some airtime on instagram anyway. I just don’t have the energy or the strength or, frankly, the desire to dissect the good things in my life to blog about them. I need to figure this blogging thing out, clearly.


Weight Loss Wednesday – Week 11

I’m aware that, once again, it’s not Wednesday. That’s largely because the upcoming holiday disrupted my schedule. My company gave us an extra day off, so we’re out of the office July 1 through July 4. I decided to go visit my parents Thursday night through Saturday afternoon (and to try on my wedding dress), which threw off my riding lesson, so I’m riding tomorrow – actual Wednesday. Because of that, Scott and I went to weight loss clinic yesterday – Monday – to pick up our shakes and get weighed in and go to class.

This week was the first week I gained. I only gained a pound, and I know exactly what caused it. Scott and I had dinner on Sunday with both sets of parents – a first in our eleven-and-a-half-year relationship. It was a special occasion and we pigged out accordingly. I gotta tell you, I am not sorry. I had a stromboli and a delicious piece of chocolate cake. I’d be willing to bet that if we’d gone to our usual weigh-in, I wouldn’t have shown the gain and would have just broken even.

It’s a setback, albeit a small one.

I’m choosing to focus on the fact that, while I did overeat, I also didn’t eat pre-meal bread and ordered a diet soda with dinner. They’re small victories, but they’re important, because they show that I’m in control of my eating. I chose to overeat, but I also chose to make at least a couple of smart, if small, choices.

Real talk? I suck at healthy eating. I effing love carbs. Love them. Will never not love carbs. Probably will never not love food. As much the doctors and the clinic staff want me to see food as fuel, guess what? Food is good. I like food. I enjoy food. I’m probably never going to be a person who only puts bland things in her mouth because it’s just meant to fuel my movement from Point A to Point B. I will always prefer to pizza to veggies. It’s just who I am.

Recognizing that, I know that going forward, I have to be mindful of what I eat and when I choose to go over, and learn what I can about nutrition so that I can make smarter choices and still eat what I enjoy.

Wedding dress “fitting” (i.e., hauling my dress out of my mom’s closet and trying to squeeze my fat ass into it) happens this weekend. Will keep you updated.

And maybe post something that’s not weight-related soon, but my life is boring, yo.

Weight Loss Wednesday – Week…10?

So I’m a slacker. I skipped Weight Loss Wednesday last week, because I was exhausted. By the time we got home after group, I made my lunch for the following day, had a shower, and I was done. I did manage to lose another 2 lbs, which put me at 166 as of last week, for 17.4 lbs down total. There’s no group this week because the clinic staff are all at a conference, but my home scale puts me at 165, which is a 1 lb loss and 18.4 lbs overall. That is largely because I pigged out a bit over the weekend. June 18th was my dad’s birthday and the 19th was Father’s Day, so we had a combo celebration. There was pizza and wings and cake, and I’m not even a little bit sorry.

I also did nothing over the weekend because Season 4 of Orange Is The New Black dropped on June 17th, and I spent the weekend binge-watching that, with interruptions for my dad’s party and to see Finding Dory on Sunday morning. Not sorry about any of that either.

Progress is slowing down, and I’m trying to remind myself to be careful with what I eat. I scheduled my first fitting for my wedding dress for July 30, so I have another six or seven weeks to fit into my dress. I’m going to my parents’ this weekend to visit and to try on the dress and see where we’re at. I have confidence that if it doesn’t fit this weekend, it’ll be damn close.

My clothes are starting to not fit in a big way. Last week I put on an outfit that I used to love, but I felt self-conscious all day (and very grateful to hide in my cube) because I felt like I was wearing a baggy burlap sack. Frankly, I felt dumpy. I’m hesitant to buy too many new things yet because I still have another 15 lbs or so to lose, but I did shop smart today. Old Navy was having a 30% off online sale, so I picked out a new cardigan, two skirts, and two tops (that all pretty much go together). I also got another 30% off coupon for registering with the website, which they let me use, and because my original order amount was more than $50, I got free shipping. That means that I added five new pieces to my wardrobe, such as it is, for $46! At roughly $9.20 per item, I won’t be super sad if it doesn’t fit me for more than a few months.

Here’s hoping it all fits now, though!

Weight Loss Wednesday – Week 8

Yep, I know it’s not Wednesday. Nope, don’t really care. 

It’s actually more like Try It On Thursday, because that’s what I did today. 

I make stupid faces at 7 AM

I haven’t fit into this shirt since I bought it…and I bought it probably three or four years ago.

This week I lost 2 lbs even, which puts me at 168 lbs, for a total of 15.4 lbs down so far. They also measured my waist and I’m at 38″, which is a full inch less than I was last week and also 6″ off my waist since I started. I’m pretty proud. 

For those of you who aren’t here for the whole weight loss thing, I have a riding post scheduled for tomorrow, and a knitting post scheduled for Saturday, so hopefully we’ll get some more varied content up in here soon. 

Weight Loss Wednesday – Week 7

Things I have noticed since beginning the weight loss program:

  • Five inches have disappeared off my waist in the last seven weeks, despite having lost just shy of fifteen pounds. 
  • I fit into clothes I haven’t worn in two years (mostly tops) and they look just as good on me now as they did then, even though I’m still about 25 pounds over my goal weight. Riding is seriously toning my core. 
  • My love for crappy food has stayed the same, but my tolerance for it is lower. For example, I went to the Devon Horse Show over Memorial Day Weekend, and the food options weren’t the best. I’d had my shake and my protein bar, and caved and had ice cream and a slice of pizza at lunch. I’d planned to cheat big and have funnel cake or something for dinner, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of it, so I had a Caesar salad instead. 
  • That said, there are lots of days when all I want is junk food (or more recently, pasta) and the thought of anything I’m allowed to have (especially chicken) makes me want to puke.

This week was kind of a bust – I only registered a loss of 0.2 lbs at weigh-in because I went to Devon and ate pizza and ice cream.

In the interest of posting this in a timely fashion, I’ll hold off on a review of the recipes I’ve tried lately. Also coming is some actual knitting content, I swear. I’ve been knitting…which is why I haven’t been blogging. And pictures of Cinnamon. Gah. 

    Weight Loss Wednesday – Week 6

    Nothing too crazy to report this week. Highlights and lowlights:

    • Had a rough day yesterday, which ended with me getting into it with an already-rude guy at the UPS store who told me I couldn’t pick up Scott’s package because we don’t share a last name, which devolved into, “What happens if I never take his last name?” because I was already feeling antagonistic. Caved and bought a Starbucks, but I only got a grande (not a venti), had it made nonfat, and got sugar-free mocha syrup.
    • Discovered a new dinner option: inside-out chicken cordon bleu. Huge hit with Scott. And I quote: “It doesn’t even feel like I’m on a diet!”
    • That said, I have had several days in the last couple of weeks where I don’t want to look at, think about, or smell chicken. Oh my god. So over the chicken.
    • Final weigh-in for this week: 170.2 lbs, which is apparently 3 lbs down from what I was last week. I’d reported it as 171.2, but I was wrong – I looked at my paperwork, and my last weigh-in was 172.8. All told, I’ve gotten rid of 13 lbs.

    Scott and I met with the dietician instead of doing our group class this week. I explained my anxiety and other emotional symptoms, and asked if she thought it was related to the diet. She asked some questions about my history and what’s currently happening and said that she doesn’t feel that it’s related to the program. She thinks what’s probably happening is that because I am, by my own admission, an emotional eater, I may be having to face my anxiety and depression by experiencing it rather than eating it. It doesn’t help me right now, but that explanation does make sense. She wants me to keep an eye on it and she put it in my file to mention to my doctor, so when I come in for my 20-pound follow-up, if it hasn’t improved, we can look at managing my meds.

    Goals for next week are to hit the gym at least once a week in addition to my ride. I’d like to eventually work my way up to 3 days, but given that I don’t go at all right now, once is better than nothing. Also, watch this space for actual knitting content – I have thirteen rows and a picot bind-off and the wedding shawl is finished! – and probably a riding lesson recap, or at least some adorable pictures of Cinnabutt.

    The down side

    I try very hard to keep this blog from getting becoming a moody hole of self-pity, but I’m also a big fan of real talk and real-life blogging, and I think some things are worth mentioning, especially because the readership on this blog is so small that I’m sure no one will mind (or notice) if I indulge myself a little.

    Like many people, I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I’ve been mildly medicated for these things since 2014 or so, which…truth be told, happened much later than it should really have happened. Up until recently, I’ve had it under control. I did therapy for two years in conjunction with meds. I did meds alone. I started riding in conjunction with meds. Over the summer, I told my doctor that I wanted to come off the antidepressant. I thought it was hindering my weight loss and I didn’t think I needed it anymore.

    My doctor told me to hold off a bit because I had a lot of life stressors happening at once. And she was right – in November, I broke my elbow, which was basically my own personal three-month hell because I could do virtually nothing for what felt like forever. On January 8, I moved, and on January 11, I started a new job. We’re in the middle of wedding planning, and there’s a lot of financial stresses associated with that in particular and adulting in general. And now I’ve gone and completely upended my diet.

    It’s been a lot.

    I had a bout of adjustment issues when I first started my job. Changing jobs was a huge transition. I went from working part-time in a public school, because that’s all that was available at the time, to full-time at a desk job in a large corporate environment. I had a hard time adjusting to sitting in a gray cubicle – alone – all day every day. I knew when I took the job that I currently have that it was going to be largely repetitive over the longterm, and that my ultimate goal was to move into a research position at the same company within a few years, so what I’m doing now is not my end-game or my ideal job. I still have days where I feel a little down because this job is not as inherently satisfying or rewarding or as fun as working with kids, but I have to remind myself that a.) they were never going to make me full-time at my last job, b.) the salary I make now is double what I was making and I needed the money, and c.) the perks are good. Also, there were a lot of things about working in schools that I didn’t love: spending full days in IEP meetings, being constantly yelled at by angry or ignorant parents, physically restraining kids in our behavior program, coming home every day exhausted and drained.

    Anyway, I digress. I was doing much better until I started the new low-carb diet program. I don’t want to blame the diet for my mental health, because I realize that it’s a conglomeration of factors that account for the changes I’m experiencing, but I have read quite a bit that substantiates the idea that low-carb diets can cause serotonin imbalances (i.e.: anxiety and depression), particularly in women. I’m going to meet with the dietitian tomorrow and I’m planning to ask her how to deal with it from a diet perspective.

    All that is to say, I feel like I’m struggling, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I’m finding myself pulling away from things I used to enjoy (although not everything), and I’m increasingly more irritable. I’ve found myself saying to friends, “I feel like I’m getting meaner,” or “Jesus, I’m nasty today.” But it’s every day. I have less and less patience with being at work, and more and more I feel like I just want to be at home. I’ve also had an increase in migraines (four or five in the last month, as opposed to four or five in the last two years) lately. I feel a general sense of ennui. As much as I’m pleased with the weight loss, I need to determine if these emotional symptoms are related to the diet, and if so, how to control them. And if they’re not, then I need my meds adjusted and I was clearly very, very wrong when I thought I was well enough to come off. More than anything, I’m afraid. I allowed myself to get to a really bad place before I asked for help, and I don’t want to go down that road again…but on the other hand, it’s familiar and because of that, it’s oddly nostalgic and comforting, and that’s terrifying.