Hey, look, it’s Wednesday. Go me.
I don’t have a ton of energy tonight, so in brief:
- Weighed in at 162 lbs tonight, which is a 4 lb loss from last week and represents approximately a 21 lb loss overall.
- I finally broke down and ordered new pants, partially because Old Navy gave me an additional 30% off coupon on top of of the 10% I already had, and partially because nothing fits. My trainer saw me on Sunday in my skinny jeans and was like, “Those are huge on you.” When other people start to notice, it’s time. Also, when your skinny jeans no longer fit like skinny jeans and look more like bootcut, it’s time.
- Wedding dress still doesn’t fit. I mean, it fits more than it did when I tried it on before I started the program. It zippers partway. My first fitting at the bridal store is July 30, so I’m trying to take down ten more pounds between now and the end of the month. I don’t know if ten more pounds is going to do it, but it certainly can’t hurt.
- I don’t know how friggin’ thin I was when I bought that dress a five years ago. I know my weight wasn’t more than ten pounds off what it is now. I also know that now I’m carrying my weight differently and that my waist is more nipped in now that it ever was before at 162 lbs because riding is giving me core muscles. So why doesn’t my damn dress fit?! Argh. Let’s blame it on being 32 instead of 27.
- Despite that, I’m really happy with how I look in my new clothes that fit properly and with the direction my body is headed.
All of that said, I’ve been fighting with lots of feelings of inadequacy around my personality and who I am professionally (“You’re not smart enough or mature enough to work where you work, grow up”) and personally (“Seriously, those people don’t actually like you; they just chat with you because you work with them/you’re paying them/they just don’t have anybody else so they need you right now”). I’m not sure if this is just an downturn in my mental health from stress, or if it’s just that I’m transferring my anxiety around my appearance to something else now that my appearance is changing.
And on top of it, I was told by my doctor tonight that I’m teetering on the edge of a sinus infection, so I’m sure that’s not helping.
I swear I’m trying to write about other things. Riding has been going so well that I don’t really want to write posts dissecting it – my canter has really taken a turn for the better and I feel like I’m finally remember how to really ride again – and most of my knitting is straightforward, and that gets some airtime on instagram anyway. I just don’t have the energy or the strength or, frankly, the desire to dissect the good things in my life to blog about them. I need to figure this blogging thing out, clearly.